You against the world, or you with the world?

History repeats itself. You hear that phrase all the time but do you ever stop to wonder why? I find myself thinking all the time; "I don't want to end up like 'other' couples" or "I don't want to get old and tired and consumed in work and obligations to enjoy life like 'everyone else' does" etc. I'm constantly realizing through other common (what some would call 'normal') examples exactly how I don't want to live, how I don't want to end up. In addition to that, I also think about how I do want to live my life. Although all of my thoughts on 'how to' are very vague. Starting with what I mentioned above that I don't want, I also want to live with a sense of adventure, I want to travel places, constantly try new things, fill my life with experiences and most importantly - with love.

These thoughts run through my head all the time, but then I ask myself if maybe it's a lot harder than it seems. It must be, right? There must be a lot more people than what I see who want to live their lives without being tied down to so many things. Is it really that hard to do that you don't see many achieve that lifestyle? Or maybe... most people really don't want that at all. "Normal" in this society is how I mentioned I don't want to live, but everyone talks about wanting to be normal. I used to want that lifestyle. I definitely don't anymore.

Think about relationships- if we're generalizing here, how do they tend to end up? From the outside, looking at many, I see couples everywhere where you wonder if they still love each other, or if they're just comfortable. They take each other for granted. Cuddling happens rarely. Doing things together seems almost impossible and not even enjoyable. Constantly looking for ways to find time alone. Jobs drag you down so you're too tired to care about anything else. Other stresses get taken out on each other. My biggest goal in my life. If anything. Is to make sure that does not happen to me. To make sure the person who I choose to spend the rest of my life with always be the most important thing. To make sure they consume a lot of my time, in enjoyable ways. I do believe that 'all you need is love". When you have love you can make anything enjoyable.

We choose our priorities, but so often we lose sight of what they should be. To be continued...

"You're smart, just not how they want you to be."

While just talking with a friend, I got into how I can't wait to graduate and live my life. So of course all my thoughts on the education system and society pile on in. I personally do not get any sort of fulfillment by sitting in a classroom or reading textbooks. And I definitely don't get anything but discouraged when I receive grades continuously over... my whole life... that are not as good as I'd like and that do not represent how much time and effort I put into my studying. The education system... and our society in general give all credit to those who are book smart, and overlook most everyone else.

School isn't the place for me. I want to live. I want to spend my time helping people, inspiring people, writing, working around music, traveling, meeting people, going places, seeing things. I want to learn by doing and by experience. Forget classrooms, and textbooks, and being told I'm not smart enough with letters and numbers. I have a lot of passion and a lot of things I'm interested in, and when it comes to something I enjoy and I care about there's no stopping me, I'll do a lot, but I have to be given the chance. And I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who are the same way.

I personally don't even want to work for money, I just want to do what I love for free. Obviously I have to work for money, I can't survive without it, but I'd rather spend my time helping people in ways that don't pay. I want to make a difference and I don't need money to motivate me to do it... except I do in this society.

There are a lot of different people out there, the education system does not do half of them justice, but we're forced to conform to get by and have a shot at success. You don't have to have all A's to be successful in the real world. A's don't tell you that you're smart and F's don't tell you that you're stupid. All they tell you is that you are how 'they' want you to be or that you aren't. (another friend brought that to my attention while I was saying I've been struggling with my grades this semester even though I've been so engaged, and that 'I'm not smart') Some people can remember every word they read in a text book, while reading at 100 miles per hour. I can't remember half of what I read if I take 100 hours. Some people process things slower than other people, can't think to their full potential under pressure - that's me. Some people freeze up in front of a class - it doesn't mean they don't have anything good to say. Some people are better visual learners, some hands on, some just listening or reading.... but each teacher chooses their style, and the kids who don't learn as well in that style suffer. Teachers should be more concentrating on each individual meeting their potential and succeeding in their own way, than forcing 1 standard for each individual to meet. All that does is set people up for frustration, discouragement, and failure.

On top of all that.... the curriculum needs some major tweaking (to put it kindly). Once you get out of elementary school, you should be learning things beyond one shakespeare and where to put a comma. In an interview of P!nk once, she put it just how I always tried to, they should "teach us how to be better human beings, instead of teaching us how human beings from 300 years ago weren't that great"... Sure history is important, but what's the point in learning history if we don't even know what's going on today?? We're creating history right now aren't we? ... but how many people don't even know half of what's going on? If people in the future are going to learn about what's happening in our lifetime, shouldn't we know what's going on too? People develop an interest on their own over time to pay attention to political and social issues going on, but how many people leave the education system, and enter the real world blind-sided? ... And I'm speaking completely hypocritically right now, as I haven't paid enough attention either, but it's too easy to not pay attention. Maybe if we new what was going on in the world our whole life, when it came time to be a part of that world, to be making decisions and and contributing to society... maybe we would have less issues, less people voting for things that they have no clue about. And if you're aware of more of the hate and problems in the world at a younger age... maybe you'll make more loving decisions in the future. People are too oblivious to so many problems... trapped in their own bubble, and get too consumed with little petty things, that those petty things either contribute to bigger problems, or keep you from trying to solve the bigger problems. People also just need to learn more life skills, and how to be independent and maybe focus on other things than a new shakespeare play every year. Where's that going to get you? Why bother acting it out? That's not going to impact your life. Help people find meaning to their lives, rather than making everyone go about their life the same way.

I feel like I could probably write a whole book on just this topic.. I'll just stop myself here.

Just give it time, you'll find a reason...

Without the struggles I've encountered I wouldn't be who I am today, wouldn't be where I am today, wouldn't know everyone I know today, and wouldn't want to go where I want to go in life today. I wouldn't have grown so much, wouldn't be open to as much, and wouldn't be the contemplator I am today...

I know for me, the hardest thing when something goes wrong is when I can't find a reason for it. I can search and search for a reason, and when i don't find one right away, that's when I begin to trip and fall. There are so many obstacles in life, but each one of them leads to what comes next. The bigger the obstacle is, the more significant it is to what comes next. Sometimes what does comes next could be a days later, weeks later, months later, and even years later. But you have to give every event the chance to prove there is a reason.

Whether you are heart broken from a break up, your grades are suffering when you work your ass off, you have a death in the family way before it 'should' have been their time, you lose a job, you have family issues, addictions, money issues, or if you have anything standing in the way of your current dreams etc... It will lead to good if you give it the chance. And the quicker you realize that, the quicker the good will come. Maybe it will be struggle, after struggle after struggle... but even then, don't give up hope on happiness. You're allowed to dwell, and mourn, and be sad and angry, but in the midst of that, while you're asking yourself why? how? what's the reason for this? And you're not getting the answers, know that there is an answer, that you will get the answer someday. Sometimes people will never find the answer as to 'why?' etc... but that's only when they don't ever let themselves see it, when it's really right in front of them.

Every event truly is a learning opportunity; you learn about yourself, you contemplate the world, you gain different perspectives on things... That's the biggest one, with every obstacle thrown at you, if you're letting yourself learn from it, and gain that new perspective.... that's where the first reason is found, that new perspective will lead to the next chapter that is 'good'.

These events will lead you a different path, you're new views will take you some place different in life. You may find another lover who you could have never expected to be so great, you could find more meaning to your life, find new interests, explore new things, get in a different job field where you truly find passion when you never even though of doing that before. Your newly gained perspective can take you places you would have never gone.... physically and emotionally. You'll meet people that you wouldn't have met before. Each obstacle will push you, pull you, lead you through different pathways in life, and even if it takes years to be stable or find happiness, it will come the sooner you let it.

You learn from pain, and even when the struggle is so rough, and so unfair, and so undeserving... it can bring you to a better place... and even if you would trade anything for things to have gone 'right' in the first place... just know that there's a whole world out there, nobody's life goes according to 'plan' and nobody has a life without struggles. So grieve, and mourn, and cry, and be angry. But know that if you choose to learn from the struggles, that's the first reason for it - and when you take what you learn and do something important with it, that's the second reason for it - and when you aren't even aware of where that struggle has taken you or how you have learned from it, know that that unexpected happiness that you have found may have never come in the same form and that's the third reason for it. Allow yourself to constantly grow, don't give up on happiness, live your life the way you choose, and allow your plans to be altered, and while smiling, graciously climb onto the roller coaster of life, let it take you for a ride, and soak up the scenery :)

Embrace The Happiness There Is

Growing up, I was always super judgmental of everyone. I was a preppy goody-two-shoes, athletic, always did all my homework, never got in trouble at school, dressed conservatively, just plain and boring, but I thought how I was was the 'right' way to be. If you dressed 'dorkier,' 'sluttier', 'punkier' etc. or didn't care about school, or just didn't see things how I did, I thought you needed to change your ways and be more like me. Now... I'm trying to figure out how I could everrrr think that way. We're always taught the 'golden rule' by the age of 5: treat others how you want to be treated... of course most people don't follow that rule... but there's a lot more to be focused on than just that. We're taught what's right and wrong, and good and bad, but most things aren't so black and white. We forget to teach kids to accept everyone, we forget to teach them that there's too much hate and sadness in the world to bring others down and try and stand in the way of their happiness. Although, it's not really that we forget to teach them these things, it's that we haven't learned it ourselves.

How many people do you interact with on a daily basis? And how many of those people actually know you and what really goes on in your life? Behind your smile... do they know when your family is falling apart, if someone close to you is involved in drugs, or abuse, or has an eating disorder. Do they know if you're having relationship issues, if your heart is broken, if someone close to you just passed away? Do they know if you're stressed out about school, or work, or money? Do they know if you feel alone, lost, or hopeless? Do they know if you're figuring out your sexuality? I bet nearly everyone can count on one hand how many people in their life - in this world - know about half of those things that are actually going on with them. And most the time probably 0-2 people actually know everythinggg that's going on with them. ..

So why do people waste their energy tearing people down? Judging what a person wears, what a person enjoys, how a person looks, what a person does, who a person loves (especially who a person loves)... just let everybody live their life, let them spend their time doing what keeps them okay... or even makes them happy. It's their life. Why do we worry about judging what makes people happy when there are so many bigger problems in the world, so many reasons for unhappiness. Nobody has an easy life, life is full of all of those unavoidable problems listed above, so if someone gets overly excited about the smallest things, let them, if they like to spend their time reading, writing, playing sports, being spiritual, doing art, being a band geek or in a math club, learning about insects or airplanes (hehe)... doesn't matter what they're doing, you should look at everyone with a smile with the awareness that they have found a way to enjoy themselves.

Look at the world with a smile, because behind closed doors, there are people who are crying, fighting, stressing, lonely, hopeless, and worried... There are people who have lost loved ones, had their heart broken, are sick or abused etc. You don't know what goes on in peoples lives, just like they don't know what goes on in yours, so instead of giving anyone a hard time, judging anyone, taking away any bit of joy someone has... acknowledge that they are are doing something that makes them feel good, and just smile, knowing that they have that bit of joy. You should feel good about anyones happiness, not want to bring them down.

And with the awareness of being unaware of what goes on in peoples lives, smile at those you pass on the street, have a conversation with someone who looks like they might need a friend, go out of your way to give a complement and reach out to someone having a bad day. A simple smile could make someone's day a little bit better, or you never know... maybe even keep someone alive.

What's 'right' vs. what's 'best' ...

My last entry brought another thought to me: Is what is right the same as what is best?? I'm not sure anymore... When we make decisions, should it be on what is right or what is best? I think that sometimes what is best will lead to the most happiness... but what is 'right' is more ethical... So if I'm saying to find the most happiness you can... should you do what is best for your happiness? or what is 'right'? Of course sometimes there is a line. If you successfully can rob a bank and that will make you happy... what is 'right' should rule over what is 'best' ... cuz obviously you should never rob a bank.... but when it's smaller things... I use to always lean towards what is 'right', but I don't know anymore... I think that maybe there isn't any point in doing what is 'right' morally if it's going to create the lesser amount of happiness. If somebody hurts you, and you don't think that they deserve to be forgiven because they've done you so wrong... should you get past that and forgive them because it will create both of you way more pain to lose them? Or should you not forgive them because maybe it would be disrespecting yourself if you did, and that wouldn't be 'right'? ... I'm all about respecting myself and have always said to do what's 'right' ... But maybe forgiveness is what's right?? Maybe you need to forget your pride for a bit and just forgive... or maybe that's just what's 'best' ... I don't know any more... will have to contemplate this some more... Thoughts??

Life Inspiration...

Sometimes it's hard to see past what is lost or might be lost... or what you are lacking in your life. But my only advice can be to live your life to the fullest, despite what is lost.. or what you lack... because everyone is always looking for a point in their life. So why do nothing with it? Why let yourself be unhappy? I'm not saying there aren't events in your life that won't make you unhappy... of course there will be plenty. And yes you can take time to be sad about it, and yeah you're allowed to let it affect you... but after some time... pick yourself back up. Find the joy. Focus on what you do have... orrrr what you could have. Make the best of it. Find a realistic place of happiness or comfort for you to be in, and bring yourself there. Do things that you want to do. Figure what it is you can do to be the happiest you can. Don't let life carry you... you need to carry yourself. You do have control over your life... no, not every event. But you can choose what to do with what you have. No, I don't know what the point of life is, or if there's any specific point at all. But I'm pretty sure you can choose to make there be a point or not. Maybe there is no reason why any of us is here. But we are. So take your life as your own, and make it what you want it to be. There's so much in the world, find what you want to do, where you want to go... and make it happen. Sometimes they won't happen... sometimes things are out of reach, but forget about that. Search within reach, but stretch it as far as possible. Seriously, make goals - reach them. Whether they're about success or just about pure pleasure... you have the power to make your life have a purpose. Whether that purpose be to change something, to help someone, or to fill less than 100 your years here with the most knowledge, experience, and joy that you can. There might not be a reason for us to exist before we get here... but once we're here it's in our hands to make a purpose for ourselves. There is no point in always being sad, unhappy, angry and unfulfilled... so change it... if you're not happy... figure out what will make you happy, and go get it.

Society Limits Beauty

I, just like everyone else have always been surrounded by judgments and opinions on what is beautiful and what is not. There seems to have been a spectrum to classify beauty. Of course, sometimes, depending on the person, one thing might fall on a different level of the spectrum than it would with others, but in general you will see a pattern of where objects, people, and things in nature may fall along the spectrum. You’re culture, your age, your gender may all influence the amount of beauty you think one thing contains… but honestly – what is beauty? How can you say one thing is beautiful and another thing isn’t? How can you really say anything is ugly? Whether it’s a person, a pebble, a painting, or even just a pencil, why is one more beautiful than the other?

Society has defined beauty, and with defining beauty – has also limited it. People are so critical of themselves because they have an image in their head of what features make a person pretty. Yes, I am guilty of this, but I’m trying more and more not to be. We look at ourselves bit by bit… we don’t like the shape of our nose, or the size of our thighs, or the structure of our jaw etc. Why not just look at ourselves as a whole? Why not allow every head shape, every nose shape, every size, every curve, every color, even every scar be a form of beauty?? It’s here, you can see it, it’s all unique… why can’t the uniqueness of everything define beauty. Why can’t beauty be endless and ugly nonexistent? Every scar tells a story… doesn’t that alone make it beautiful? Every feature of you is because of your genes… doesn’t that make it beautiful? Every tree, every river, every rock came so naturally, so shouldn’t it all be beautiful? Every man made object… Let yourself see beyond the physical part, let the creation of it be the beauty. Appreciate the spectacular… but also appreciate the ‘everyday’… I think by doing so, you’ll find a lot more meaning to life… isn’t that what we’re all looking for? What’s the point in deciding things are ugly or not good enough? No, you don’t have to be attracted to everything – sometimes things just don’t ‘go’… but you can still find the beauty if you let yourself, let how it doesn’t ‘go’ be the reason for it’s beauty. Society has truly limited beauty. You’re constantly told what is or isn’t beautiful. How have we let something with the potential of being so broad, so endless, seem so refined? Just take a minute and look around, and try to think beyond what you’ve always been ‘told’ – acknowledge every color, every texture, every shape – even every smell, and every sound… find the beauty.

Added to that... was just talking to a friend as I'm struggling through some things and my mind has been eating myself alive. Then I thought back to this blog post and asked her and myself if according to my philosophy, are the hard times suppose to be beautiful too? She said maybe... and I said "yeah, they are". So she asked me why the hard times are beautiful. I told her it was for a lot of reason.. because the things that lead up to it all... it's just life... the way you react is an art form, it all becomes important in shaping who you are... so yeah, there's beauty in it. Pain has a reason... so there's beauty in it. the connections of everything make up the beauty. It's like the physical scars... there are stories behind them.. same with emotional wounds. Beauty doesn't have to be happy... most art pieces come from pain. So yeah, even the negative emotions, and the unpleasant events came be considered beautiful if you think of it all of a form of art, if you think of how everything all connects to make it what it is, it might all suck sometimes, but try to see beyond the surface.

Shallowness...

So lately I’ve found myself overwhelmed with the amount of friends or people I know who have become overly obsessed with their body image. I have one friend (friend 1) who seriously has an amazing figure. 5’5 120 lbs. Proportionate, and has boobs (lucky). She’s always been really self-conscious, as long as I’ve known her. We’ll be getting ready to go out and she’ll look in the mirror and say things like “I wish I didn’t look like I was 300lbs right now”, sometimes even start crying. The other day she was like “I kind of feel like eating right now, but I’m just going to go to the gym INSTEAD.” … from what I've observed, the beginning of the year it was bulimia, now it’s anorexia (not full on though, but only getting worse) and she’s obsessed with working out. Oh on top of that, she will have sex with anyone because it makes her feel better about herself, regrets it every time, but just does it again and again. Another friend (friend 2) is very in shape, all of her weight comes from her muscle, buff – but not fat, very healthy – she calculates her calories every day, goes to the gym twice a day – eats, but VERY lightly, and is always talking about her next goal for how much weight she wants to lose. Then there are a few other friends, and even more associates.

Anyway, I really have been so aware of it all lately. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I give them my best encouragement, and compliments, and everything else I can think of. But I can’t change how they think/feel. Other people’s problems, have just been really affecting me lately (beyond self image).

I got on this topic tonight because as I was sitting in my friend’s room, watching a movie with the two mentioned above, plus a few others, I found myself having to walk out. I just couldn’t be there any more.

Okay this gets complicated trying to explain all this with no names…

The first friend I mentioned was being fine. But my guy friend – who also has self image problems was talking about one of my other friends, and he referred to her as “her name, the big girl” (friend 3). Okay first off. She is NOT that big. A little over weight, but not much, still has a fine figure, and is sooo gorgeous (and sooo funny). So right there I was already annoyed – rolled my eyes and said (insert) “HER LAST NAME”. Second, he has his own self image problems – is kind of bigger, but tall too – basketball player. He’s always trying to lose weight, dieting and working out, so he knows how hard it is. Third, this girl he was talking about, I just recently found out also is borderline anorexic. And she just got a tattoo, on her lower hip, so he was saying how a “girl that size should NOT have a tattoo there, ever. Friend 2 goes “oh yeah, Mel… was it you that was with me and ‘another friend’ the other day, when she was saying that she (the ‘big’ girl) is anorexic?” “yes”. Then she goes “I was like I don’t think so”. – So implying that she didn’t believe she was anorexic (borderline) because she was still bigger. So I got really annoyed and was like “I believe it. She has lost a LOT of weight since last year, and she’s always in the gym (really, all the time). Then I just left and went to my room.

Anyway. This all bothered me so much - really UPSET me, actually. Knowing that those two friends talking about her have their own self image problems, and how hard it is to lose weight – for that to come from THEM, especially, just really wasn’t okay. Plus knowing that that girl is really uncomfortable in her own skin, and that she isn’t eating properly just made it even worse. And the face that ‘friend 1’ was in the room. And she REALLY has an unhealthy self body image, and unhealthy way of trying to change it… for them to be judging someone else like that with her there, will only make her more aware of her own insecurities.

Anyway – hopefully you could actually follow that. People just make me sick lately. And society has seriously messed up a lot of girls (Pink’s “Stupid Girls”). I’m really bothered by how badly my friends feel about themselves, and how they deal with it, and really don’t like that there’s not really anything I can do about it. And everyone judging – I just need to leave. I don’t know where I need to go… wherever people aren’t so ‘low’, I guess.

Today is Going to be a Great Day! - Or Maybe Not...

I am apologizing in advance – as I realize this blog may sound like a bunch of jibberish. You literally get to see all the thoughts bouncing around my head, and it may be hard to follow!

I took a quiz online a month or so ago – don’t really remember what it was about. But I remember one question on it that actually made me think. It was asking what I think when I first wake up – and I don’t remember all of the options but 1 was “Today is going to be a great day!” – I can say for sure, I did not click on this one, but I wished I could have, and have it be a completely honest response. When I first wake up in the morning (when it’s by alarm at least, as on a normal day it is) My thoughts are somewhere along the lines of “Nooooooo, I don’t wanna get up! Five more minutes (but then I hit snooze for 40 more minutes)… Can I afford to miss class today? This bed is sooo warm and comfortable. Shit. I actually have to get out of bed… hmmm at least I can nap later.” Then once I’m up I begin counting down the minutes till it’s time to nap… Doesn’t this contradict my “I need more time in a day, sleeping is a waste of life” thought that I expressed in a previous blog?? Yes. I am a walking contradiction.

Anyway, since I took that quiz when I wake up in the morning, and catch myself thinking about how I just want to stay in bed forever, I try and tell myself that “today is going to be a great day!” …I have to be honest and admit – as soon as I say that – I throw in a ‘but’ directly after. Goes a bit like this: “Nooo, I don’t wanna get up! No Mel, today is going to be a great day! - Buttt this bed is SOOO cozy, I don’t want toooo!!! No. Today is going to be a great day! – ahh screw it, I’m hitting snooze!” …. I have not been able to turn myself into a morning person – but boy do I envy those who are. I will keep trying to be more anxious to start my days in the morning – but even when I get to sleep in forever, I have to drag myself out of bed because I would rather just lie there all day. It takes until nighttime for me to be ready to do all the things I want to do. I don’t get inspired to write, or learn until about 10pm (it’s 3am now…. point proven??). Then I start all over again how I don’t have enough time in a day to do all the things I want to do. I don’t want to go to bed, I just want to stay up and learn and spend time on things I’m interested in. Can I just say that I drive myself crazy!!! If only I could just start my day bright and early. From the time I get up, till 10pm I am just going through the motions most of the time. I’ll be awake, but my passion doesn’t come out for hours! What a waste of every day. I need to find a way to be a morning person – but I guess you can only be one or the other – you have to sleep sometime. If I’m a morning person, and find my passion early on in the day, then I’m guessing at night I will lose the passion, and go to bed nice and early – either way, still not enough time in the day! Then again – once I find my passion for the day I can’t get myself to stop (which is why I am up super late), so maybe I would just get up early AND stay up late spending my time wisely… and then AGAIN… that might only last a day, because how can I really want to get up in the morning if I don’t get enough sleep at night??? Ahh! Life. What can ya do??

So Much To Do - So Little Time

Wrote this a few months ago, and had completely forgot about it:

I’m currently frustrated with the world. Why were we made to have such little time? Why are we made to need so much sleep to function properly? I don’t have time to sleep. I want to learn, in school, and out of school. I want to play sports, do community service, play instruments, take up photography, travel, work, and most importantly – I want to find myself. All I am doing right now, is going to school, doing homework, playing soccer, and then squeeze in time to relax, and try to find myself. I don’t have enough time to think. I don’t have enough time to find myself. Why couldn’t we have been made to be able to function, and be healthy with 2 hours of sleep, and 22 hours of everything else? I do not believe in a creator, but I resent nature. If we are supposed to let ourselves go, and just ‘be’. How can we do that with such little time?? I know, I know… letting yourself go, and just being, should not demand time. It should just happen. Lets face it, it doesn’t happen. How many of you have felt your sense of belonging in your soul? This quote in Anam Cara "...in the neglected crevices and corners of your evaded solitude, you will find the treasure that you have always sought elsewhere” (pg 136)... recently helped me decide (although I'm still not really sure) that the only people who can truly let go, and just “be”, who can truly find the beauty of their soul are those who have hit rock bottom, and come out of it. Those who have lost themselves completely can find themselves completely. Those who have had such an addiction in order to escape from their reality, or from themselves, may just be the lucky ones. That is – if they can overcome it. The only way to overcome it is to face their reality, and to face themselves. I have not experienced this myself, so I can’t explain those experiences fully, and of course each individual’s experience is different, but it’s all a process. It’s like a puzzle; all over the place, each piece is disconnected from the next, some are sideways, and some are even upside-down. But once it’s put together, it’s a beautiful masterpiece, smooth and collected. I only know of three possible people, who might be able to just ‘be’, notice “might be”. One of the three had a serious addiction, and was able to overcome it after 10 years of fighting it. Another one of the three did every drug imaginable, but was able to snap out of it quickly after a one night of thinking she was going to die, and the third person, as far as I know hasn’t had any drug experience, but maybe I don’t know everything.

I've realized that in the process of trying to find the most peace in my life - I have actually become the least peaceful I have ever been. My eyes have been opened to so much, and I want to change so much, that I don't even know where or how to begin. This has left me with way too much desire - and not enough taking charge. And while I have been preaching to go and live your life and take charge I just sit here waiting for the right time. There's no right time - I just have to go! I've been "trying" to take charge ... by researching all the things I want to do and how to do what I want to do, and get to where I want to be. Unfortunately it ends there. I haven't actually DONE anything. Obviously still being in school is an obstacle, so hopefully once I'm out I will really do all the things I'm dreaming of. I have been trying to live by the quote; "The only thing that stops you from being who you want to be, is who you think you're not". So I have been believe I can do anything - and trying to pursue my dreams AND my families (although only to the extent of researching online, and saying "Hey dad, lets move to california")... Dream big. Take charge.

I'm Out of Here.

A different kind of entry: I have decided that I want to leave this place and I don’t want to bring anyone with me. I’ve recently been very anxious to get out of this current ‘path’ of life. I don’t like it. I want to go to California where things actually happen or move out of the country. Either way, I can live a completely different lifestyle. I have never wanted this the slightest bit before. I have always said that I want to live in this town, and in this house my whole life. (Obviously not actually planning to stay in THIS house, but yeah, same town). I live in a very small town in Maine. It’s one of those places where, if you grow up here, and never really ‘know’ anything else, you want to stay here, and you will stay here. It is the homiest, friendliest place. For me, I just want out. I feel so trapped and limited being here. I feel very helpless.
 

While trying to figure out what has changed. I thought about what would keep me here. I’ve realized that although I have been here my whole life. Not a single person really knows me. This is my fault: I have not allowed myself to open up to anyone here, I won’t let anyone in, won’t let anyone connect. Why? Is it because I fear being understood, or because I fear finding out that nobody understands me. Maybe a little bit of both – or a lot of both. And ironically the one person who I think might understand me, is my childhood ‘enemy’. (just a side note). So if I have nobody here that I feel connected with, what would keep me from wanting to leave? Nothing. The only thing that has changed that has made me want to get the hell out, instead of staying here forever is that I no longer fear change – I actually thrive on it, and search for it. I don’t like boring and safe anymore. In fact – I resent boring and safe.
 

This, I guess, is all because I have finally left my bubble. As mentioned before – thanks to Pink and my other good friend – I have finally been able to think about everything beyond just my life. And in the process I have also realized all the possibilities in life. Why the HECK would I want to live my life so simple, so boring, so routine, when there are a million different things to do in this world??
 

I want to leave. I don’t need anyone here. I am almost tempted to say I don’t need anyone at all. But I know that everyone needs someone. If I were to lose sight of that, which I am starting to do, but telling myself not to… then this song would end up describing my life: I’ve got money now – Pink - http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pink-lyrics/i-got-money-now-lyrics.html .
 

Although – for some reason – I always look forward to coming home – pretty much the moment I am with my family I just want to leave. I am happier when I’m at school. This is not because I do not love my family. Only because they have all turned bitter. Someone is always arguing, bitching, yelling, or slamming things. And I can’t ignore it. I try to, by staying in my room and listening to Pink, but they just come and find me, and then I get yelled at for being antisocial. My only escape is to be at school. I have learned to LOVE the ‘end’ button on my cell phone, as I can turn off the madness at any time.
 

I thought the years of not getting along were suppose to be over at this point in my life. But I guess since those years of not getting along didn’t start until my senior year of high school – it has to end later too. I also always thought I could never live far away from my family, but now I think the farther the better.
 

The only people I ever want to talk to are those out of reach. That makes for a lonely girl. All the people in my life have made it really easy for me to not have any reason to stay here. Now all I’ve got to do is find some money – easy right?? Ehhhh. Guess I’ll be stuck here for a few more years.