Shallowness...

So lately I’ve found myself overwhelmed with the amount of friends or people I know who have become overly obsessed with their body image. I have one friend (friend 1) who seriously has an amazing figure. 5’5 120 lbs. Proportionate, and has boobs (lucky). She’s always been really self-conscious, as long as I’ve known her. We’ll be getting ready to go out and she’ll look in the mirror and say things like “I wish I didn’t look like I was 300lbs right now”, sometimes even start crying. The other day she was like “I kind of feel like eating right now, but I’m just going to go to the gym INSTEAD.” … from what I've observed, the beginning of the year it was bulimia, now it’s anorexia (not full on though, but only getting worse) and she’s obsessed with working out. Oh on top of that, she will have sex with anyone because it makes her feel better about herself, regrets it every time, but just does it again and again. Another friend (friend 2) is very in shape, all of her weight comes from her muscle, buff – but not fat, very healthy – she calculates her calories every day, goes to the gym twice a day – eats, but VERY lightly, and is always talking about her next goal for how much weight she wants to lose. Then there are a few other friends, and even more associates.

Anyway, I really have been so aware of it all lately. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I give them my best encouragement, and compliments, and everything else I can think of. But I can’t change how they think/feel. Other people’s problems, have just been really affecting me lately (beyond self image).

I got on this topic tonight because as I was sitting in my friend’s room, watching a movie with the two mentioned above, plus a few others, I found myself having to walk out. I just couldn’t be there any more.

Okay this gets complicated trying to explain all this with no names…

The first friend I mentioned was being fine. But my guy friend – who also has self image problems was talking about one of my other friends, and he referred to her as “her name, the big girl” (friend 3). Okay first off. She is NOT that big. A little over weight, but not much, still has a fine figure, and is sooo gorgeous (and sooo funny). So right there I was already annoyed – rolled my eyes and said (insert) “HER LAST NAME”. Second, he has his own self image problems – is kind of bigger, but tall too – basketball player. He’s always trying to lose weight, dieting and working out, so he knows how hard it is. Third, this girl he was talking about, I just recently found out also is borderline anorexic. And she just got a tattoo, on her lower hip, so he was saying how a “girl that size should NOT have a tattoo there, ever. Friend 2 goes “oh yeah, Mel… was it you that was with me and ‘another friend’ the other day, when she was saying that she (the ‘big’ girl) is anorexic?” “yes”. Then she goes “I was like I don’t think so”. – So implying that she didn’t believe she was anorexic (borderline) because she was still bigger. So I got really annoyed and was like “I believe it. She has lost a LOT of weight since last year, and she’s always in the gym (really, all the time). Then I just left and went to my room.

Anyway. This all bothered me so much - really UPSET me, actually. Knowing that those two friends talking about her have their own self image problems, and how hard it is to lose weight – for that to come from THEM, especially, just really wasn’t okay. Plus knowing that that girl is really uncomfortable in her own skin, and that she isn’t eating properly just made it even worse. And the face that ‘friend 1’ was in the room. And she REALLY has an unhealthy self body image, and unhealthy way of trying to change it… for them to be judging someone else like that with her there, will only make her more aware of her own insecurities.

Anyway – hopefully you could actually follow that. People just make me sick lately. And society has seriously messed up a lot of girls (Pink’s “Stupid Girls”). I’m really bothered by how badly my friends feel about themselves, and how they deal with it, and really don’t like that there’s not really anything I can do about it. And everyone judging – I just need to leave. I don’t know where I need to go… wherever people aren’t so ‘low’, I guess.

Today is Going to be a Great Day! - Or Maybe Not...

I am apologizing in advance – as I realize this blog may sound like a bunch of jibberish. You literally get to see all the thoughts bouncing around my head, and it may be hard to follow!

I took a quiz online a month or so ago – don’t really remember what it was about. But I remember one question on it that actually made me think. It was asking what I think when I first wake up – and I don’t remember all of the options but 1 was “Today is going to be a great day!” – I can say for sure, I did not click on this one, but I wished I could have, and have it be a completely honest response. When I first wake up in the morning (when it’s by alarm at least, as on a normal day it is) My thoughts are somewhere along the lines of “Nooooooo, I don’t wanna get up! Five more minutes (but then I hit snooze for 40 more minutes)… Can I afford to miss class today? This bed is sooo warm and comfortable. Shit. I actually have to get out of bed… hmmm at least I can nap later.” Then once I’m up I begin counting down the minutes till it’s time to nap… Doesn’t this contradict my “I need more time in a day, sleeping is a waste of life” thought that I expressed in a previous blog?? Yes. I am a walking contradiction.

Anyway, since I took that quiz when I wake up in the morning, and catch myself thinking about how I just want to stay in bed forever, I try and tell myself that “today is going to be a great day!” …I have to be honest and admit – as soon as I say that – I throw in a ‘but’ directly after. Goes a bit like this: “Nooo, I don’t wanna get up! No Mel, today is going to be a great day! - Buttt this bed is SOOO cozy, I don’t want toooo!!! No. Today is going to be a great day! – ahh screw it, I’m hitting snooze!” …. I have not been able to turn myself into a morning person – but boy do I envy those who are. I will keep trying to be more anxious to start my days in the morning – but even when I get to sleep in forever, I have to drag myself out of bed because I would rather just lie there all day. It takes until nighttime for me to be ready to do all the things I want to do. I don’t get inspired to write, or learn until about 10pm (it’s 3am now…. point proven??). Then I start all over again how I don’t have enough time in a day to do all the things I want to do. I don’t want to go to bed, I just want to stay up and learn and spend time on things I’m interested in. Can I just say that I drive myself crazy!!! If only I could just start my day bright and early. From the time I get up, till 10pm I am just going through the motions most of the time. I’ll be awake, but my passion doesn’t come out for hours! What a waste of every day. I need to find a way to be a morning person – but I guess you can only be one or the other – you have to sleep sometime. If I’m a morning person, and find my passion early on in the day, then I’m guessing at night I will lose the passion, and go to bed nice and early – either way, still not enough time in the day! Then again – once I find my passion for the day I can’t get myself to stop (which is why I am up super late), so maybe I would just get up early AND stay up late spending my time wisely… and then AGAIN… that might only last a day, because how can I really want to get up in the morning if I don’t get enough sleep at night??? Ahh! Life. What can ya do??

So Much To Do - So Little Time

Wrote this a few months ago, and had completely forgot about it:

I’m currently frustrated with the world. Why were we made to have such little time? Why are we made to need so much sleep to function properly? I don’t have time to sleep. I want to learn, in school, and out of school. I want to play sports, do community service, play instruments, take up photography, travel, work, and most importantly – I want to find myself. All I am doing right now, is going to school, doing homework, playing soccer, and then squeeze in time to relax, and try to find myself. I don’t have enough time to think. I don’t have enough time to find myself. Why couldn’t we have been made to be able to function, and be healthy with 2 hours of sleep, and 22 hours of everything else? I do not believe in a creator, but I resent nature. If we are supposed to let ourselves go, and just ‘be’. How can we do that with such little time?? I know, I know… letting yourself go, and just being, should not demand time. It should just happen. Lets face it, it doesn’t happen. How many of you have felt your sense of belonging in your soul? This quote in Anam Cara "...in the neglected crevices and corners of your evaded solitude, you will find the treasure that you have always sought elsewhere” (pg 136)... recently helped me decide (although I'm still not really sure) that the only people who can truly let go, and just “be”, who can truly find the beauty of their soul are those who have hit rock bottom, and come out of it. Those who have lost themselves completely can find themselves completely. Those who have had such an addiction in order to escape from their reality, or from themselves, may just be the lucky ones. That is – if they can overcome it. The only way to overcome it is to face their reality, and to face themselves. I have not experienced this myself, so I can’t explain those experiences fully, and of course each individual’s experience is different, but it’s all a process. It’s like a puzzle; all over the place, each piece is disconnected from the next, some are sideways, and some are even upside-down. But once it’s put together, it’s a beautiful masterpiece, smooth and collected. I only know of three possible people, who might be able to just ‘be’, notice “might be”. One of the three had a serious addiction, and was able to overcome it after 10 years of fighting it. Another one of the three did every drug imaginable, but was able to snap out of it quickly after a one night of thinking she was going to die, and the third person, as far as I know hasn’t had any drug experience, but maybe I don’t know everything.

I've realized that in the process of trying to find the most peace in my life - I have actually become the least peaceful I have ever been. My eyes have been opened to so much, and I want to change so much, that I don't even know where or how to begin. This has left me with way too much desire - and not enough taking charge. And while I have been preaching to go and live your life and take charge I just sit here waiting for the right time. There's no right time - I just have to go! I've been "trying" to take charge ... by researching all the things I want to do and how to do what I want to do, and get to where I want to be. Unfortunately it ends there. I haven't actually DONE anything. Obviously still being in school is an obstacle, so hopefully once I'm out I will really do all the things I'm dreaming of. I have been trying to live by the quote; "The only thing that stops you from being who you want to be, is who you think you're not". So I have been believe I can do anything - and trying to pursue my dreams AND my families (although only to the extent of researching online, and saying "Hey dad, lets move to california")... Dream big. Take charge.

I'm Out of Here.

A different kind of entry: I have decided that I want to leave this place and I don’t want to bring anyone with me. I’ve recently been very anxious to get out of this current ‘path’ of life. I don’t like it. I want to go to California where things actually happen or move out of the country. Either way, I can live a completely different lifestyle. I have never wanted this the slightest bit before. I have always said that I want to live in this town, and in this house my whole life. (Obviously not actually planning to stay in THIS house, but yeah, same town). I live in a very small town in Maine. It’s one of those places where, if you grow up here, and never really ‘know’ anything else, you want to stay here, and you will stay here. It is the homiest, friendliest place. For me, I just want out. I feel so trapped and limited being here. I feel very helpless.
 

While trying to figure out what has changed. I thought about what would keep me here. I’ve realized that although I have been here my whole life. Not a single person really knows me. This is my fault: I have not allowed myself to open up to anyone here, I won’t let anyone in, won’t let anyone connect. Why? Is it because I fear being understood, or because I fear finding out that nobody understands me. Maybe a little bit of both – or a lot of both. And ironically the one person who I think might understand me, is my childhood ‘enemy’. (just a side note). So if I have nobody here that I feel connected with, what would keep me from wanting to leave? Nothing. The only thing that has changed that has made me want to get the hell out, instead of staying here forever is that I no longer fear change – I actually thrive on it, and search for it. I don’t like boring and safe anymore. In fact – I resent boring and safe.
 

This, I guess, is all because I have finally left my bubble. As mentioned before – thanks to Pink and my other good friend – I have finally been able to think about everything beyond just my life. And in the process I have also realized all the possibilities in life. Why the HECK would I want to live my life so simple, so boring, so routine, when there are a million different things to do in this world??
 

I want to leave. I don’t need anyone here. I am almost tempted to say I don’t need anyone at all. But I know that everyone needs someone. If I were to lose sight of that, which I am starting to do, but telling myself not to… then this song would end up describing my life: I’ve got money now – Pink - http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pink-lyrics/i-got-money-now-lyrics.html .
 

Although – for some reason – I always look forward to coming home – pretty much the moment I am with my family I just want to leave. I am happier when I’m at school. This is not because I do not love my family. Only because they have all turned bitter. Someone is always arguing, bitching, yelling, or slamming things. And I can’t ignore it. I try to, by staying in my room and listening to Pink, but they just come and find me, and then I get yelled at for being antisocial. My only escape is to be at school. I have learned to LOVE the ‘end’ button on my cell phone, as I can turn off the madness at any time.
 

I thought the years of not getting along were suppose to be over at this point in my life. But I guess since those years of not getting along didn’t start until my senior year of high school – it has to end later too. I also always thought I could never live far away from my family, but now I think the farther the better.
 

The only people I ever want to talk to are those out of reach. That makes for a lonely girl. All the people in my life have made it really easy for me to not have any reason to stay here. Now all I’ve got to do is find some money – easy right?? Ehhhh. Guess I’ll be stuck here for a few more years.