I’m currently frustrated with the world. Why were we made to have such little time? Why are we made to need so much sleep to function properly? I don’t have time to sleep. I want to learn, in school, and out of school. I want to play sports, do community service, play instruments, take up photography, travel, work, and most importantly – I want to find myself. All I am doing right now, is going to school, doing homework, playing soccer, and then squeeze in time to relax, and try to find myself. I don’t have enough time to think. I don’t have enough time to find myself. Why couldn’t we have been made to be able to function, and be healthy with 2 hours of sleep, and 22 hours of everything else? I do not believe in a creator, but I resent nature. If we are supposed to let ourselves go, and just ‘be’. How can we do that with such little time?? I know, I know… letting yourself go, and just being, should not demand time. It should just happen. Lets face it, it doesn’t happen. How many of you have felt your sense of belonging in your soul? This quote in Anam Cara "...in the neglected crevices and corners of your evaded solitude, you will find the treasure that you have always sought elsewhere” (pg 136)... recently helped me decide (although I'm still not really sure) that the only people who can truly let go, and just “be”, who can truly find the beauty of their soul are those who have hit rock bottom, and come out of it. Those who have lost themselves completely can find themselves completely. Those who have had such an addiction in order to escape from their reality, or from themselves, may just be the lucky ones. That is – if they can overcome it. The only way to overcome it is to face their reality, and to face themselves. I have not experienced this myself, so I can’t explain those experiences fully, and of course each individual’s experience is different, but it’s all a process. It’s like a puzzle; all over the place, each piece is disconnected from the next, some are sideways, and some are even upside-down. But once it’s put together, it’s a beautiful masterpiece, smooth and collected. I only know of three possible people, who might be able to just ‘be’, notice “might be”. One of the three had a serious addiction, and was able to overcome it after 10 years of fighting it. Another one of the three did every drug imaginable, but was able to snap out of it quickly after a one night of thinking she was going to die, and the third person, as far as I know hasn’t had any drug experience, but maybe I don’t know everything.
I've realized that in the process of trying to find the most peace in my life - I have actually become the least peaceful I have ever been. My eyes have been opened to so much, and I want to change so much, that I don't even know where or how to begin. This has left me with way too much desire - and not enough taking charge. And while I have been preaching to go and live your life and take charge I just sit here waiting for the right time. There's no right time - I just have to go! I've been "trying" to take charge ... by researching all the things I want to do and how to do what I want to do, and get to where I want to be. Unfortunately it ends there. I haven't actually DONE anything. Obviously still being in school is an obstacle, so hopefully once I'm out I will really do all the things I'm dreaming of. I have been trying to live by the quote; "The only thing that stops you from being who you want to be, is who you think you're not". So I have been believe I can do anything - and trying to pursue my dreams AND my families (although only to the extent of researching online, and saying "Hey dad, lets move to california")... Dream big. Take charge.
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