A different kind of entry: I have decided that I want to leave this place and I don’t want to bring anyone with me. I’ve recently been very anxious to get out of this current ‘path’ of life. I don’t like it. I want to go to California where things actually happen or move out of the country. Either way, I can live a completely different lifestyle. I have never wanted this the slightest bit before. I have always said that I want to live in this town, and in this house my whole life. (Obviously not actually planning to stay in THIS house, but yeah, same town). I live in a very small town in Maine. It’s one of those places where, if you grow up here, and never really ‘know’ anything else, you want to stay here, and you will stay here. It is the homiest, friendliest place. For me, I just want out. I feel so trapped and limited being here. I feel very helpless.
While trying to figure out what has changed. I thought about what would keep me here. I’ve realized that although I have been here my whole life. Not a single person really knows me. This is my fault: I have not allowed myself to open up to anyone here, I won’t let anyone in, won’t let anyone connect. Why? Is it because I fear being understood, or because I fear finding out that nobody understands me. Maybe a little bit of both – or a lot of both. And ironically the one person who I think might understand me, is my childhood ‘enemy’. (just a side note). So if I have nobody here that I feel connected with, what would keep me from wanting to leave? Nothing. The only thing that has changed that has made me want to get the hell out, instead of staying here forever is that I no longer fear change – I actually thrive on it, and search for it. I don’t like boring and safe anymore. In fact – I resent boring and safe.
This, I guess, is all because I have finally left my bubble. As mentioned before – thanks to Pink and my other good friend – I have finally been able to think about everything beyond just my life. And in the process I have also realized all the possibilities in life. Why the HECK would I want to live my life so simple, so boring, so routine, when there are a million different things to do in this world??
I want to leave. I don’t need anyone here. I am almost tempted to say I don’t need anyone at all. But I know that everyone needs someone. If I were to lose sight of that, which I am starting to do, but telling myself not to… then this song would end up describing my life: I’ve got money now – Pink - http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pink-lyrics/i-got-money-now-lyrics.html .
Although – for some reason – I always look forward to coming home – pretty much the moment I am with my family I just want to leave. I am happier when I’m at school. This is not because I do not love my family. Only because they have all turned bitter. Someone is always arguing, bitching, yelling, or slamming things. And I can’t ignore it. I try to, by staying in my room and listening to Pink, but they just come and find me, and then I get yelled at for being antisocial. My only escape is to be at school. I have learned to LOVE the ‘end’ button on my cell phone, as I can turn off the madness at any time.
I thought the years of not getting along were suppose to be over at this point in my life. But I guess since those years of not getting along didn’t start until my senior year of high school – it has to end later too. I also always thought I could never live far away from my family, but now I think the farther the better.
The only people I ever want to talk to are those out of reach. That makes for a lonely girl. All the people in my life have made it really easy for me to not have any reason to stay here. Now all I’ve got to do is find some money – easy right?? Ehhhh. Guess I’ll be stuck here for a few more years.
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