To Live is to Learn

I feel really genuinely lucky to have gone through the pain that I have. I know most go through the same heartache of a break up, but some people do not, and I honestly think that those people are really missing out. I was told by my counselor that this is a great experience for personal growth and that those who don't experience it or let themselves grow from it miss out, and I believed her and agreed, but I couldn't feel genuinely lucky then, but now I can. On top of going through the pain, it's how I've chosen to deal with it that has turned it into a positive thing. I am so proud of myself! For where I'm at now, and how I got here.

With my previous heart-wrenching break up (before my recent one), I didn't handle the pain so well. I let it destroy me temporarily - in all areas of my life. Because of that I didn't grow as much as I have recently. But I did learn to not lose myself again, to take control and not let one thing destroy everything else. I do my best to not make the same mistake twice. I let myself feel pain, sadness, anger. I cried and I cried some more. I took the initiative to see a counselor - to help release my emotions in a healthy way, to gain perspective, to keep control. I dug down deep to find every strength in me to keep this control, to keep my heartache/pain/broken relationship separate from all of the other things in my life. I learned that I have a whole life! I have relationships, I have friends, I have family, I'm getting an education, I have a whole city at my fingertips, I have work/internship, I have sports, I have hobbies (music), I have myself, and I have a world of possibilities and opportunities.

So recently my serious relationship crumbled - and yes, it was horrible. For a while that wasn't the only thing that was torturing my mind. I had a lot of stresses with school, I was struggling to find a (required) internship, and for the first time in my life I felt like what I wanted to do wasn't possible in any foreseeable future. But even feeling hopeless with half of my life, I still had the other half - friends, city, music, sports etc. So whenever I could, I would embrace the other half - the positive half. I had my moments when the negatives seemed so heavy that I would break down. But I never stopped having supports, and I sought out for 1 extra support - my counselor. So when I would break I could always go to her for understanding and perspective. Anyway, I have a whole life. When I'm in a relationship, that person is not my life, they are just a great part of it. And when a relationship is broken, my life is not broken. I still have a whole life, I just may be missing a great part of it (or maybe not so great). I am grateful for what I have learned through that painful experience. And I am proud because I know that I can give credit to myself for what I have learned, that I chose to learn, and I chose to be healthy and reflective and strong. As a result, I've only gained. I've gained perspective, independence, and more strength. And I could write pages upon pages of how I've gained all of those things. I'm happy, I'm wiser, and what I have learned is already bettering my life - how I make decisions, how I view myself, relationships and life. And the natural domino effect of these new positive perspectives is positive feelings - happiness. I have supports to thank, but I also have myself to thank. I got myself here. I'm ready to keep living so I can keep learning.

Approach Each Obstacle With Grace

I've watched my emotions and insecurities get the best of me many times. I've let them be the rational for my behavior. I've let them keep me from rising above, from being the best I can be. I've acted selfish, and less than kind when they've taken over. I haven't approached each obstacle with grace. I've approached many with grace, but many without. Now this is one of my biggest goals. To be able to rise above, to no matter the situation, stay composed and make the healthiest and kindest decisions. To not justify any poor behavior with the circumstances. This doesn't mean I can't be sad, or angry. It also doesn't mean I can't cry, or express my emotions to others. It only means I don't take things out on other people, and I don't let it take over my mindset. I stay true to myself, I treat everyone the best I can, I treat myself the best I can. I stay mentally and physically healthy, I behave in a way that makes me proud, and that others can respect.

Unconditional Love

I've noticed how most people choose not to love unconditionally. Their love is conditional. I don't think it matters if it's family, a friend, or a loved one. If the person is someone you actually truly care about then you should love them unconditionally. When a person makes mistakes, whether it affects you directly or not, I think forgiveness is the most important thing. I think what people need to understand is that everyone has insecurities, and these insecurities lead to their flawed actions. Everyone makes mistakes. Some are more conscious than others, but nearly all are caused by their personal insecurities, of course not all, some are due to a lack of experience or knowledge or whatever else.

As a person, I'm always trying to be the best I can be. I've been forced to really look in the mirror lately as my intimate relationship became something I have to fight for. Once I pulled my crushed heart out of the mix, and could really see how things were, and why they were that way, I was able to realize that all the things I had to fix on my end began with my insecurities. I began by realizing some of my behavior which was pushing her away. And from that I tried to understand why I'd behave that way. And once I got these answers, I was able to see clearly what my insecurities were, and that they were the base of my problems. In order to become a stronger, healthier, better person, and in order to help fix my relationship, I had to start by understanding my insecurities, and noticing when they would take over, and cause me to behave poorly. I think I've successfully done that. I haven't eliminated my insecurities, but I now catch myself thinking in these ways, and instead of acting in a way that matches my insecure emotion, I stop myself. I over power it with reason.

Now, wouldn't you rather stick around to watch your friends, family, and lover grow, than disappear on them because of an insecurity (or 10)? I would. The more insecurities people have, the less happy they can truly be. I'd rather give them one more reason to be happy by being there for them, and give them (almost) all the chances they need to become a better, stronger person than run from them when clearly they need the friend. I think when you actually care about a person's well-being and happiness, that means unconditional. If it's conditional, it means nothing. Accept. Forgive. Believe. Love. It's simple. It's not always easy, but it's simple.

In my eyes, those who have found a way to become the most secure with themselves, or at least control their insecurities, are the happiest, kindest, strongest people. You'll know these people when you see them too. They go about their life, not hating on people, not needing to gossip, or say a mean word. They won't let the cruel get to them because they'll understand those who aren't kind, aren't happy. They'll stick around to help, and they'll make the best decisions. These are the people who become hero's. Last, and most importantly, they'll approach each obstacle with grace. Which leads me to my next entry...

The Power of Love

I keep writing posts and then it takes me forever to post them.. in this case almost a month.

Recent events have led me to contemplate love, true love. What it is, how strong it is, what it should be able to overcome, if it is all you need, if it's enough. What I do know, is we aren't supposed to find the answer to all these questions. Love is the most powerful thing in the world. It's what you make it to be. Throughout life peoples perception on love will change, there's no right answer, but each person is able to come up with their own beliefs about it, and we can discuss it, and take peoples thoughts about it, to form your own strongest, most thought out belief of the strength of love and what it should overcome.

Weeks ago, when my friend and her fiance broke up, I was talking to my girlfriend (current ex. we're working on things) about love. I was saying how I wondered if love should be enough to overcome everything else. Or if love wasn't always enough, if you can truly be in love but there's so much other shit that sometimes loving someone means you have to let each other go. I was leaning towards true love being enough. She said the same. Now I'm at a point where depending on what happens with us, my view may alter, maybe for a while, maybe forever. It's allowed. As much as I love getting into my own personal life, I'll stop here, and spare you all the little details of my own relationship. Otherwise this already long post will become a whole book that no one will care to read.

Right now, I still believe in true love. I believe that true love is strong enough to overcome everything else. I don't believe in falling out of love. That is a belief of mine that has never altered. I believe that there are two main parts of loving someone, which are obviously tied together but both are needed for survival. One part is caring for them in a way that is so pure and real. You want to be the one to protect them, the one they lean on, the one that believes in them and never gives up on them. The other part is loving who they are, the deepest parts of them, the beauty in their soul. Now with this, I think the little things matter too but everyone is going to have something they view differently, and disagree on and with love, I think acceptance also plays a huge role. I think for true love to conquer all, you have to let it. If you let those little disagreements over-power love, that it's not necessarily not true love, it's a weakness. Love is the best thing in the world, it brings the most happiness, safeness, deepness. I think it's important to in the midst of whatever stress, tension, or disagreement come your way, to just stop for a second, hold each other, breath, and know that because you have each other everything else will be okay.

You against the world, or you with the world?

History repeats itself. You hear that phrase all the time but do you ever stop to wonder why? I find myself thinking all the time; "I don't want to end up like 'other' couples" or "I don't want to get old and tired and consumed in work and obligations to enjoy life like 'everyone else' does" etc. I'm constantly realizing through other common (what some would call 'normal') examples exactly how I don't want to live, how I don't want to end up. In addition to that, I also think about how I do want to live my life. Although all of my thoughts on 'how to' are very vague. Starting with what I mentioned above that I don't want, I also want to live with a sense of adventure, I want to travel places, constantly try new things, fill my life with experiences and most importantly - with love.

These thoughts run through my head all the time, but then I ask myself if maybe it's a lot harder than it seems. It must be, right? There must be a lot more people than what I see who want to live their lives without being tied down to so many things. Is it really that hard to do that you don't see many achieve that lifestyle? Or maybe... most people really don't want that at all. "Normal" in this society is how I mentioned I don't want to live, but everyone talks about wanting to be normal. I used to want that lifestyle. I definitely don't anymore.

Think about relationships- if we're generalizing here, how do they tend to end up? From the outside, looking at many, I see couples everywhere where you wonder if they still love each other, or if they're just comfortable. They take each other for granted. Cuddling happens rarely. Doing things together seems almost impossible and not even enjoyable. Constantly looking for ways to find time alone. Jobs drag you down so you're too tired to care about anything else. Other stresses get taken out on each other. My biggest goal in my life. If anything. Is to make sure that does not happen to me. To make sure the person who I choose to spend the rest of my life with always be the most important thing. To make sure they consume a lot of my time, in enjoyable ways. I do believe that 'all you need is love". When you have love you can make anything enjoyable.

We choose our priorities, but so often we lose sight of what they should be. To be continued...

"You're smart, just not how they want you to be."

While just talking with a friend, I got into how I can't wait to graduate and live my life. So of course all my thoughts on the education system and society pile on in. I personally do not get any sort of fulfillment by sitting in a classroom or reading textbooks. And I definitely don't get anything but discouraged when I receive grades continuously over... my whole life... that are not as good as I'd like and that do not represent how much time and effort I put into my studying. The education system... and our society in general give all credit to those who are book smart, and overlook most everyone else.

School isn't the place for me. I want to live. I want to spend my time helping people, inspiring people, writing, working around music, traveling, meeting people, going places, seeing things. I want to learn by doing and by experience. Forget classrooms, and textbooks, and being told I'm not smart enough with letters and numbers. I have a lot of passion and a lot of things I'm interested in, and when it comes to something I enjoy and I care about there's no stopping me, I'll do a lot, but I have to be given the chance. And I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who are the same way.

I personally don't even want to work for money, I just want to do what I love for free. Obviously I have to work for money, I can't survive without it, but I'd rather spend my time helping people in ways that don't pay. I want to make a difference and I don't need money to motivate me to do it... except I do in this society.

There are a lot of different people out there, the education system does not do half of them justice, but we're forced to conform to get by and have a shot at success. You don't have to have all A's to be successful in the real world. A's don't tell you that you're smart and F's don't tell you that you're stupid. All they tell you is that you are how 'they' want you to be or that you aren't. (another friend brought that to my attention while I was saying I've been struggling with my grades this semester even though I've been so engaged, and that 'I'm not smart') Some people can remember every word they read in a text book, while reading at 100 miles per hour. I can't remember half of what I read if I take 100 hours. Some people process things slower than other people, can't think to their full potential under pressure - that's me. Some people freeze up in front of a class - it doesn't mean they don't have anything good to say. Some people are better visual learners, some hands on, some just listening or reading.... but each teacher chooses their style, and the kids who don't learn as well in that style suffer. Teachers should be more concentrating on each individual meeting their potential and succeeding in their own way, than forcing 1 standard for each individual to meet. All that does is set people up for frustration, discouragement, and failure.

On top of all that.... the curriculum needs some major tweaking (to put it kindly). Once you get out of elementary school, you should be learning things beyond one shakespeare and where to put a comma. In an interview of P!nk once, she put it just how I always tried to, they should "teach us how to be better human beings, instead of teaching us how human beings from 300 years ago weren't that great"... Sure history is important, but what's the point in learning history if we don't even know what's going on today?? We're creating history right now aren't we? ... but how many people don't even know half of what's going on? If people in the future are going to learn about what's happening in our lifetime, shouldn't we know what's going on too? People develop an interest on their own over time to pay attention to political and social issues going on, but how many people leave the education system, and enter the real world blind-sided? ... And I'm speaking completely hypocritically right now, as I haven't paid enough attention either, but it's too easy to not pay attention. Maybe if we new what was going on in the world our whole life, when it came time to be a part of that world, to be making decisions and and contributing to society... maybe we would have less issues, less people voting for things that they have no clue about. And if you're aware of more of the hate and problems in the world at a younger age... maybe you'll make more loving decisions in the future. People are too oblivious to so many problems... trapped in their own bubble, and get too consumed with little petty things, that those petty things either contribute to bigger problems, or keep you from trying to solve the bigger problems. People also just need to learn more life skills, and how to be independent and maybe focus on other things than a new shakespeare play every year. Where's that going to get you? Why bother acting it out? That's not going to impact your life. Help people find meaning to their lives, rather than making everyone go about their life the same way.

I feel like I could probably write a whole book on just this topic.. I'll just stop myself here.

Just give it time, you'll find a reason...

Without the struggles I've encountered I wouldn't be who I am today, wouldn't be where I am today, wouldn't know everyone I know today, and wouldn't want to go where I want to go in life today. I wouldn't have grown so much, wouldn't be open to as much, and wouldn't be the contemplator I am today...

I know for me, the hardest thing when something goes wrong is when I can't find a reason for it. I can search and search for a reason, and when i don't find one right away, that's when I begin to trip and fall. There are so many obstacles in life, but each one of them leads to what comes next. The bigger the obstacle is, the more significant it is to what comes next. Sometimes what does comes next could be a days later, weeks later, months later, and even years later. But you have to give every event the chance to prove there is a reason.

Whether you are heart broken from a break up, your grades are suffering when you work your ass off, you have a death in the family way before it 'should' have been their time, you lose a job, you have family issues, addictions, money issues, or if you have anything standing in the way of your current dreams etc... It will lead to good if you give it the chance. And the quicker you realize that, the quicker the good will come. Maybe it will be struggle, after struggle after struggle... but even then, don't give up hope on happiness. You're allowed to dwell, and mourn, and be sad and angry, but in the midst of that, while you're asking yourself why? how? what's the reason for this? And you're not getting the answers, know that there is an answer, that you will get the answer someday. Sometimes people will never find the answer as to 'why?' etc... but that's only when they don't ever let themselves see it, when it's really right in front of them.

Every event truly is a learning opportunity; you learn about yourself, you contemplate the world, you gain different perspectives on things... That's the biggest one, with every obstacle thrown at you, if you're letting yourself learn from it, and gain that new perspective.... that's where the first reason is found, that new perspective will lead to the next chapter that is 'good'.

These events will lead you a different path, you're new views will take you some place different in life. You may find another lover who you could have never expected to be so great, you could find more meaning to your life, find new interests, explore new things, get in a different job field where you truly find passion when you never even though of doing that before. Your newly gained perspective can take you places you would have never gone.... physically and emotionally. You'll meet people that you wouldn't have met before. Each obstacle will push you, pull you, lead you through different pathways in life, and even if it takes years to be stable or find happiness, it will come the sooner you let it.

You learn from pain, and even when the struggle is so rough, and so unfair, and so undeserving... it can bring you to a better place... and even if you would trade anything for things to have gone 'right' in the first place... just know that there's a whole world out there, nobody's life goes according to 'plan' and nobody has a life without struggles. So grieve, and mourn, and cry, and be angry. But know that if you choose to learn from the struggles, that's the first reason for it - and when you take what you learn and do something important with it, that's the second reason for it - and when you aren't even aware of where that struggle has taken you or how you have learned from it, know that that unexpected happiness that you have found may have never come in the same form and that's the third reason for it. Allow yourself to constantly grow, don't give up on happiness, live your life the way you choose, and allow your plans to be altered, and while smiling, graciously climb onto the roller coaster of life, let it take you for a ride, and soak up the scenery :)